Cockahoop over google’s latest leak

Apparently the world, his dog and a blogger or two are going cockahoop over some leaked screenshots of a calendar google are working on. All I've got to say on the matter is, what in the world is taking them so long?

It isn't exactly rocket science, I wrote a calendar application on the ZX81 with a 16k ram pack when I was 12 in less time than it takes to understand the google privay policy. It's not as if they haven't got the staff.

Question: Will the calendar support the new software project management calendar units?

The PAP or Project Approval Process unit

This unit represents the average time taken from initial concept to budget approval. Somewhat alarmingly, extensive research has revealed that this unit is completely independant of project size, scope or importance. It is however dependant on an organisation's size and structure. Here's how you can calculate PAP for your organisation:

• Start with the number of line managers between the Chief Information Officer (or equivalent) and the rawest recruit in the software development function
• Multiply this number by the number of people involved in the budget approval process
• Add to this the total number of committees on which any of these people serve
• Add 42
• Multiply by the average number of developers on a project team at your organisation
• This is the number of working days it will take to approve a budget on any project proposal at your organisation - not counting public holidays, annual leave, sickness or maternity leave
• If your organisation has accountants to approve budget decisions add 1 year

It may seem surprising to you, but the PAP is a consistently accurate measure. To avoid frustration, it is often best to ditch the budget approval process altogether.

I run a tight ship here. We take a simple competitive approach to project approval within the team. A quick Duke Nukem death match between the principal protagonists decides the result.

The Leak

This unit represents the average time between initial prototype production and the first leaked product shots appearing on the web. Like the PAP, the Leak is largely dependant on organisational size and structure. Here's how you calculate expected Leak time for your organization:

• Start by taking the average number of projects completed in a year
• If you have a staff canteen, divide by 2
• Multiply by the number of locations
• Divide by the number of employees working for your organisation
• If you have a marketing department with more than 5 employees, divide by 5
• Multiply by your organisation's male to female ratio
• This is the number of hours between initial prototype production and the first leak

If you work for Apple, Microsoft or Google, ignore this method. Your Leak will be negative. Mocked up product shots of everything you could possibly have thought of have already been posted somewhere on the web with your corporate logo photoshopped in.

The Beta

Made famous by Google, the beta needs little explanation. Once again, the unit appears to be independant of project size, scope or quality with the organisation being the determining factor. Reasearch has not yet unearthed an industry standard formula for calculating the Beta for your organisation, however I do have figures for some of the industry leaders in the field.

Microsoft Beta

For a new Microsoft product, the beta always starts off looking like a realistic timescale. But after features have been cut, deadlines shifted by 9-12 months, problems with manufacturing and distribution, you're looking at 18 months to 2 years. However once we factor in a measure of product quality - waiting for service pack 2 usually does the trick - any number of security updates in the meantime, you're looking at a period of around 4 years from initial beta to usable product. By this time it's likely you'll be 1 version behind and looking at discontinued product support within the year.

Google Beta

As yet, researches have insufficient data to draw any statistically significant conclusions on the beta for Google so take this with a pinch of salt, but it appears that the Google beta is infinite. Which is not to say that Google will never get a product out of beta, simply that the Google beta is growing by more than a day each day. This is an interesting statistical phenomena - which has led researchers to compare the Google beta expansion to the ever expanding universe - which appears to arise when more products are entering Beta than are exiting. It is a moot point, but some believe that when time reverses and the universe begins to contract, the Google beta will be the one universal measure which continues to show positive entropy.